Balancing the Yearning for Casual Encounters Whilst Seeking a Meaningful Relationship
Being a gay man approaching 50, I’ve spent numerous, largely enjoyable years pursuing casual sex with other men from my teenage years. During my fourth decade, I had a committed partnership which continued for four years, but it never fully satisfied me, in that I felt neither loved nor intimately fulfilled. The fact is that my constant desire has been for casual sex. Every time I begin to date any man, once the newness dwindles, an impulse arises to have sex with other men once more.
Reflecting on the Feasibility of Exclusive Commitment
Currently, I'm contemplating whether it's possible for me to maintain a faithful partnership. I'm aware that numerous homosexual males engage in open relationships, but when I’ve witnessed them, they have seemed like hard work, frequently causing lots of pain and jealousy among all parties. In many ways, I want another man to love me while letting me remain sexually free, however I fear the emotional drain this might create. Is it best to keep having spontaneous encounters and accept that a lasting partnership may be unattainable? I’m feeling a bit lost.
Each individual's sexual journey varies. Try not to think about what you require in partnerships or your capacity to tolerate different types of sexual unions as fixed. What you need as you are experiencing them now may well change down the road; at a certain time you might become more decisive and discover greater understanding and a suitable route … or perhaps not. At some point you could encounter someone who provides a transformative opportunity for you through mirroring what you want in a holistic fashion … and later on you might decide that casual connections are best for you. Worrying about what lies ahead and playing endless speculation is simply rooted in fear and a waste of your efforts. Try to be in the moment in your relationships, and recognize the value of each person with whom you might have a sexual connection. When and if the time is right to deepen true intimacy with one partner, you will know.
- Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a American psychotherapist focusing on treating intimacy issues.
