The Words from My Father Which Saved Us during my time as a Brand-New Parent

"I believe I was merely in survival mode for twelve months."

Ex- Made In Chelsea star Ryan Libbey expected to manage the difficulties of becoming a dad.

However the truth soon became "completely different" to his expectations.

Severe health problems during the birth saw his partner Louise being hospitalised. All of a sudden he was forced into becoming her primary caregiver while also taking care of their newborn son Leo.

"I was doing each nighttime feed, every nappy change… every stroll. The job of both parents," Ryan shared.

After eleven months he reached burnout. It was a talk with his parent, on a bench in the park, that made him realise he couldn't do it alone.

The straightforward words "You are not in a good place. You must get support. How can I assist you?" paved the way for Ryan to talk openly, ask for help and find a way back.

His experience is not uncommon, but rarely discussed. While society is now better used to talking about the pressure on moms and about PND, not enough is spoken about the difficulties dads go through.

Seeking help isn't a weakness to request support'

Ryan feels his struggles are part of a wider inability to open up between men, who continue to hold onto harmful perceptions of masculinity.

Men, he says, tend to think they must be "the rock that just takes the pounding and doesn't fall time and again."

"It isn't a show of failure to request help. I didn't do that quick enough," he adds.

Clinical psychologist Dr Jill Domoney, a expert who studies mental health pre and post childbirth, explains men can be reluctant to accept they're having a hard time.

They can feel they are "not the right person to be seeking help" - particularly ahead of a mum and baby - but she highlights their mental health is vitally important to the unit.

Ryan's heart-to-heart with his dad provided him with the chance to ask for a break - taking a short trip overseas, away from the family home, to gain perspective.

He realised he needed to make a shift to focus on his and his partner's emotional states in addition to the day-to-day duties of caring for a infant.

When he shared with Louise, he realised he'd failed to notice "what she needed" -physical connection and paying attention to her words.

Self-parenting

That epiphany has changed how Ryan sees parenthood.

He's now composing Leo weekly letters about his feelings as a dad, which he wishes his son will see as he grows up.

Ryan hopes these will enable his son to better grasp the vocabulary of emotional life and interpret his parenting choices.

The concept of "reparenting" is something rapper and songwriter Professor Green - also known as Stephen Manderson - has also strongly identified with since having his son Slimane, who is now four.

When he was young Stephen did not have stable male a father figure. Despite having an "amazing" relationship with his dad, long-standing difficult experiences resulted in his father struggled to cope and was "coming and going" of his life, affecting their bond.

Stephen says bottling up feelings caused him to make "poor choices" when he was younger to alter how he felt, seeking comfort in substance use as a way out from the anguish.

"You turn to substances that aren't helpful," he notes. "They might temporarily change how you feel, but they will eventually exacerbate the problem."

Tips for Managing as a New Dad

• Talk to someone - when you are overwhelmed, confide in a family member, your other half or a therapist about your state of mind. It can help to reduce the stress and make you feel more supported.
• Keep up your interests - continue with the things that helped you to feel like the person you were before having a baby. This might be exercising, meeting up with mates or a favourite hobby.
• Don't ignore the physical stuff - nutritious food, getting some exercise and when you can, getting some sleep, all play a role in how your mental state is faring.
• Spend time with other first-time fathers - sharing their stories, the challenges, as well as the good ones, can help to normalise how you're experiencing things.
• Know that requesting help isn't failing - taking care of your own well-being is the optimal method you can support your household.

When his father eventually died by suicide, Stephen expectedly struggled to accept the death, having had no contact with him for many years.

Now being a father himself, Stephen's committed not to "perpetuate the cycle" with his own son and instead provide the safety and emotional guidance he did not receive.

When his son is about to have a meltdown, for example, they try "shaking the feelings out" together - managing the frustrations safely.

The two men Ryan and Stephen state they have become more balanced, healthier men because they acknowledged their issues, altered how they express themselves, and learned to regulate themselves for their children.

"I am now more capable of… sitting with things and handling things," says Stephen.

"I put that down in a message to Leo recently," Ryan shares. "I wrote, on occasion I believe my role is to teach and advise you what to do, but in reality, it's a dialogue. I'm learning just as much as you are through this experience."